Answer:

Advice From The SNAG:

Hi Erin, and thank you for putting this question to me. My wife and I have a couple of kids now, but I remember that period after our first which you are currently going through.

Life changes completely after you have a child. You have this amazing little gift that you no doubt cherish above all else; a blessing you and your husband love and adore, but nothing this special comes easy.

Free time goes out of the window, especially for the first couple of years, and pressure builds up as the expectations and demands on you increase.

Your social life becomes something which is harder to maintain, let alone your hobbies, and the special time you have just for you and your partner is now rarer than hens teeth, especially since one or both of you most likely needs to work to keep some income coming in.

Trying to balance all of these responsibilities and changes to your life can create massive amounts of stress and pressure. Post Natal Depression is unfortunately an increasingly common problem, and when you consider all of the above, it is not hard to see why. You can learn a lot of things in Parenting classes and Anti-Natal classes, but nothing can truly prepare you for the impact.

God, reading back through those opening paragraphs I feel depressed myself! I have considered going back through it and editing so that I don’t sound like such a tidal wave of negativity, but I won’t do that. I will leave what I have written as is, however, because although its sounds extreme, I would bet money that most new parents such as yourself are experiencing some or all of what I describe.

Just to quickly balance it out so that any new parents or parents-to-be out there aren’t turned off the thought of having kids, there are literally hundreds of moments you will go through which makes it all worthwhile. Things that are impossible to replicate or experience ever again, and really, there are no more precious moments in life than some of the things you, your partner and child will share together…learning to crawl, first words, special smiles, big cuddles…which totally blow all of the drawbacks out of the water.

Now wasn’t that off on a tangent! Back to your question. I will use my own example to help illustrate the point that I will more than likely fumble around before I arrive at.

My wife wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and I supported that because I believed it was going to give my children the best up bringing possible. We also believe in natural parenting – things like co-sleeping, breast feeding, baby carrying (slings rather than prams), elimination communication etc. – which adds a whole other layer of commitment.

To be honest, we struggled through the first six months after my first daughter was born. We sounded very similar to you, especially when it came to our previously fantastic sex life going well and truly off the boil.

My wife was putting so much pressure on herself to look after the baby the way we wanted to, as well as cooking and cleaning the house and trying to maintain friendships and give me the attention she felt I needed etc…it was too much!

And I had my own set of pressures. I had to work a little more to try and make up for her lost income, which meant I took a promotion with extra responsibilities of its own. I also place a priority on being a loving and supportive husband and I wanted to be a fully involved dad as well as trying to fit my own friends in there somewhere and keep up my fitness training etc…you see what I am getting at?

People can only do and take so much. The worst thing of all was that it felt like our relationship was becoming fourth or fifth priority, and that was something that scared us the most. The pressure was building and suffocating our ability to enjoy one of the most special times of our life.

We reached a point, however, where we sat down and talked openly and honestly. I let her know that I didn’t care if the house wasn’t spotlessly clean, or if dinner wasn’t cooked when I got home. We set a priority for my wife to focus on our daughter and herself, and if that meant getting a nap when the baby slept in the morning or afternoon instead of cooking and cleaning, then do it. Take the opportunity at night to call her friends instead of feeling like she had to attend to me every moment I was home, and if she needed some sleep when I was home then I would take the baby for a couple of hours so she could do so.

We agreed that she should do whatever it took so that she didn’t feel pressured, stressed or tired for any other reason than the unavoidable parts that come with being a new mom.

As far as I went, I needed to get a bit of extra sleep in the mornings so that I didn’t feel exhausted to start the day, so we agreed I could do that. I switched my fitness training to lunchtimes, organized my work better so I didn’t have to take home stress with me, and once every couple of weeks I would meet up with my friends for a drink or whatever we wanted to do (I’m not a big phonecall guy!).

And as soon as we did that, our sex life got back on track…in fact, it was better than ever because our relationship had grown in the face of adversity! That’s not say we were doing it more than before pregnancy…nowhere near as much in fact…but what had come back was the passion and intimacy because we had opened up our communication and got on the same page again as a couple.

The big key is to release the pressure valve, and for you and your husband to communicate and work as a team. Work out what your priorities are and come up with a plan on how you can still manage the important stuff but leave the trifles behind. Delegate roles and responsibilities, and undertake to support each other by giving one another a break when it is required. Organise your time and don’t be afraid to leave things behind…this is a new stage of life after all; it’s a time when we need to grow and mature, and that may involve leaving some people or things in the past if they are not beneficial in this new stage of life.

Realise that this intense period where your baby relies completely on you only lasts for a couple of years, and after that you can kind of relax a little bit. It probably took til our daughter was two until we managed to fully settle down, but by taking definite action and working together I look back on that period as an amazingly special time.

If we hadn’t had that discussion….urrgghh, scary stuff.

As far as your sex life goes, the best advice I can give that might help reignite a spark is to talk and take opportunities to focus on your intimacy. Discuss sex…past, present and future…and fantasies, turn ons and turn offs. You have less time so you need to be a bit more direct and to the point. It might take more effort or a change in how you do things but go with the flow, don’t try and fight it otherwise you will both be sorely frustrated. It will take a while to adjust but if you work at it you will both get there, and when you do, there is a good chance it will be better than ever because of the experience you have gone through together.

Oh…and discover the joy of the quicky while the baby is asleep! There’s nothing quite like that urgency to increase the intensity.

There is no way to escape the fact that being a new parent requires sacrifice, extra effort and commitment, and the ability to accept that life will never be the same again. But look on it as an opportunity to grow as individuals and as partners, and the benefits that come from it will change your life for the better…forever.

Advice From The DAG:

There’s no “I” in team Erin, geez, your husband must be doing it hard. You’ve just got to dig a little deeper and find a bit more effort so your man won’t develop a case of the old blue balls.

In these situations I recommend the trusty blowjob so you can get your husband off quickly and properly, and you will get the satisfaction of knowing he is sexually okay. And in the spirit of fairness you should buy a vibrator so you can get your own jollys without making your man do any more work.

When you both are giving your libido’s some attention, I bet half my unemployment benefit you’ll notice that you’ll feel a lot more relaxed about everything.

And hurry up and get your kid walking, then put a tennis racket in her hands. You seen how much cash tennis players make? Now that’s a wise bit of advice; don’t forget who gave you that little tip!