Answer:

Thanks for your question Jo. I can tell this is a serious issue for you, and I know these types of changes are never easy to go through.

However, it’s important not to jump off the deep end into serious conclusions like he’s cheating on you without first working through a reasonable process, and in a case like this, there are a couple of important points that need to be made

Firstly, what you describe in regards to your sex life is a very common occurrence in developing relationships, and it doesn’t necessarily mean he is cheating on you or that he doesn’t find you sexy anymore.

It is a biological fact that those initial bursts of insatiable lust and desire couples feel when they first get together generally tends to wane after time. This “new couple bedroom fever” is an evolutionary trick played on us by our bodies in order to try and maximise the chances of us having babies and passing on our genes, but in reality it is a charade that masks the deeper connections which a successful relationship must be built upon.

Any relationship that lasts any length of reasonable time has to face this unavoidable happening, and believe it or not, it can actually be viewed as a milestone to reach. Not a necessarily positive milestone, but it’s not unavoidably negative either. It is simply an indicator to you that your relationship has reached a point where there needs to be an acceptance of a new way of being together.

I’ve heard a saying that when this initial phase of the relationship is over, then the real love can start. So having an understanding of that fact gives you a recognisable place to begin in the thoughtful assessment of your relationship.

Aside from that, there are a few other things to consider.

Is your partner okay? Is he feeling stressed or tired because of work, or something else going on in his life? Is he on medication which could be affecting his sex drive (not an uncommon side effect for a lot of medication) or has he just generally been feeling down?

Show some concern, be tactful and ask some questions, trying to ascertain whether there are any underlying factors occurring which could be the root of the problem. It’s no secret that someone’s sex drive suffers when there are other things going on. The same might also go for yourself; make sure you do a self-check as well. You might have some unrecognised stress that could be affecting your feelings or thoughts unbeknownst to you.

Is he still being affectionate and showing concern for you? This is a key question because it can help shed some light on the overall health of your relationship. Don’t get yourself into a mindset that if you don’t have sex a set number of times per week then things aren’t working; that is too rigid a style of thinking. There is no magic number of times you need to make love to qualify as having a “healthy” sex life.

What is the quality of your lovemaking like? As relationships go on, this surely is the most important question. Does one bout of longer lasting, extra caring lovemaking per week beat a few quickies? Obviously everyone is different in their response to that question (maybe a combination of both would be ideal!), but always remember that each relationship is unique in its nature, especially when it comes to sex.

A couple’s sex life can be cyclical as well; one month you might go at it non-stop, and the next barely at all. The longer your relationship goes, the better an understanding you will both develop of the dynamics of your lovemaking.

So after considering all of the above, then what? I would suggest sitting down with your man over a cup of coffee and having a honest conversation about the state of your relationship. Keep it light; definitely don’t insinuate anything or make accusations (anything that could potentially attack his “manhood” and all of its connotations; you know how men can be about that!).

Make sure to emphasize you are bringing it up because you care about him and your relationship. Be calm and tactful and definitely don’t make threats or ultimatums; the right approach is key. You may find that there is a simple reason for what is happening, or an easy way that things could improve. Be open to this possibility and creative in potential problem solving.

Depending on how this goes, you may then need to consider some relationship counselling. Don’t be afraid of this; it most certainly does not mean your relationship is in tatters or you have failed as a partner. It may prove to be massively helpful to have a skilled therapist listen to you both and ask incisive questions to help prise the lid of unrecognised issues. Using their experience, they might be able to suggest some fresh ideas or highlight some points that neither of you could see for yourselves.

An extremely important point is that he recognises and acknowledges your concern, and commits to improving the situation with you. Relationships are a constant work in progress, and the joint agreement and effort by both partners to do whatever it takes to keep things growing and moving forward is essential.

If he ignores you or argues about your points, and things continue to go downhill, then I have to say the long term outlook of your relationship isn’t good.

This might be a hard reality to accept, but accept it you must so that you can take the necessary steps to move on if that needs to be the case. Realism is so important when it comes to relationships; life is too short to waste time being with someone who isn’t helping you be the person you want to be.

So having said all of that, you can see there is a long journey to go through before you should be arriving at the conclusion that he is cheating on you (unless you have evidence to the contrary!).

Always keep your eyes open when it comes to being aware of the changing dynamics of a relationship; sometimes they don’t stand the test of time, but it is important to be aware of how things are evolving to give you and your partner the best chance of making it work.

Hope that helps Jo, best of luck to you and your man!

XXX

The Erotic Woman