Talking it over; say it during sex!

Having lunch with a gay male erotica-writing friend the other day, I mentioned that I had just read an interesting technical article about writing dialogue in the sex scenes of an erotic story. Writing dialogue is a challenge for erotic fiction writers: In ordinary fiction, dialogue is not supposed to reflect the way people talk in real life, but rather is a device used to reveal character traits and move the plot forward. During sex scenes this is difficult, because the character and plot advancement is taking place entirely through physical action. It’s awkward to not include any dialogue, but it’s also dumb do keep writing "harder baby harder" over and over again.

"Who needs that," my friend asked. "When it comes to sex, the less said, the better."

My eyebrows shot up. "You’re kidding! You mean, you guys like, don’t say anything?"

He shook his head, looking at me just as quizzically. "What is there to say? You mean you and your partner have a conversation while you’re doing it?"

This is part of the fun of reading erotica, participating in safe and inviting message boards and chat rooms about sexual topics with like-minded individuals, and talking with friends (who you’re not sexually engaged with) about sex. There is an infinite array of ways that people have sex, and even the most basic assumptions – as here, whether sex is silent or involves steamy conversation – differ from couple to couple. We don’t generally have much opportunity to watch other people having sex, unless you watch the staged exhibitions of X-rated film, and like just about everything else in the movies, the sex scenes don’t reflect most people’s real life experiences.

That’s why I love talking to my gay male friends about sex; they are considerably more open about their sexuality, and those who have spent time in the gay club scene have watched other gay couples engage in sex, often switching partners in rapid-fire succession. Some talk about sexual techniques the way most women I know talk about decorating: "Oh, I saw this guy do the neatest tongue-flick thing the other night over at Michael’s, and I ran right home and tried it on David and he loved it, it goes like this..." .

I would not personally care to participate in the kind of shared, open sexual displays and events these men have told me about, but that’s another part of the fun of these conversations. Sex means very different things to different people. It can be the sacred intimate union of two loving, committed souls; it can be a wild two minutes of grunting juicy slamming together of genital parts attached to faces hidden by the pulsating strobe lights of a crowded dance floor; it can be just about any experience in between.
None of these is the ‘right’ thing for sex to be. It’s all of the above. Talking with other people about sex helps expand your vision of what sex does and can mean, and increased knowledge leaves you better able to find the right, satisfying, fulfilling place for sex in your own life.

I was fascinated to hear my friend tell me he and his partner don’t talk during sex, and that he doesn’t see talk as sexually exciting. My lover whispers such sweet things to me before, during, and after sex. I know every tremulous change in the tone of his voice, from the tension in his vocal chords when he is desperate for me, to the deep wildness when he surrenders and comes for me, to his soft languid words afterwards when his body is completely relaxed and sleepy under my hands. Sometimes he tells me things I’ve waited all my life to hear a man say to me. Other times they are the words of pure hunger, how I feel to him, and how he wants me to touch him. His voice casts a spell over me, draws me in to him just as much if not more than the feel of his body, the scent of his skin. What we say to each other in those moments when there is absolutely nothing else in the world but he and I are part of the deeply loving and erotic bond that we forge between us.

I think the main reason that my lover’s words to me during sex excite me so much is that they reassure me that he’s not just having sex, he is actually fully, presently there, and making love to me. That is, he knows it’s me, his mind is not flitting off to some other image or some other lover. I can tell how much he is right there with me, because he’s talking to me, calling my name, and speaking of things we are both feeling. For me, in the context of this relationship, this is just exactly what I need.

One of the dangers of silent sex in an ongoing relationship is that it falls much more easily into routine. It’s nearly impossible to try something new if one of you can’t casually suggest it in the course of other conversation. For example, because my lover and I are always talking, it’s very easy for me to say, ‘You’ve been depriving me of the pleasures of your tongue lately, would you care to make up for that?’ If we weren’t so at ease talking, I’d be forced to either just suffer in silence or find a way to overpower him and pin him down between my thighs to get something I was craving.

Being able to talk freely about these intimacies also seems to make other conversations that are necessary to an ongoing relationship easier. Discussions about birth control, the status of our relationship, and other concerns that may arise, flow more freely when you are already at ease speaking about your most private sexual acts and pleasures.

If your relationship is stuck in a well of silence, you may find that talking during sex breaks the ice and leads to a greater intimacy and better communication in and out of bed. Don’t worry about finding the right words or being embarrassed with explicit language if you are not comfortable with it.

Try whispering a few easy, calm things at a proper moment, like "that feels so good", or "I love to feel your hands like that". If these words don’t cause a negative reaction, ask your sexual partner a question they don’t really have to think about answering – ‘You like that, don’t you?" or "You want me to touch you, don’t you?" Listen for your partner’s reaction. If it’s silence, don’t push for an answer right away. Go back to the level where you received a positive response, whether that was wordlessness (in which case, try the simple whispers again next time), or words that didn’t require an answer. But if he or she moans or better yet whispers back an ‘oh yes,’ you’ve opened the door to sexual conversation. When you feel you are both comfortable with the new sounds of your voices, respond to that ‘oh yes’ by asking him or her to tell you what it feel like. Coax the words from their lips as you would coax the tension from their muscles with a long, warm backrub. Verbal communication will take your sexual relationship to new heights of intimacy.