Column#10: Your Erotic Personality

What would I find if I crawled around the deep, dark recesses of your erotic mind? Sex toys? Old boyfriends? Cobwebs? Maybe all of the above. But I know I’d find some unique wiring. And that wiring would determine your erotic personality.

It’s no secret that everybody likes something different when it comes to sex. For some, the chase is the most erotic part of being with someone. For others, it’s how soon they can experiment with every position, technique, and device with the other person. Psychologists and sex therapists will be debating for years what roles nature and nurture play to determine someone’s sexual wiring, but that doesn’t alter the fact that everyone does indeed house a different control panel.

So, is this news, you’re thinking? Yes, actually, it is, and I’ll tell you why.

I had a client about three years ago who wanted a story where he and his wife of twenty-something years explored s/m (sado-masochism). Okay, I thought to myself, no problem there. Lots of people are drawn to s/m—nothing remarkable about that. He went on to say, however, that this was a special story he planned to give to his wife to nudge her into experimenting with dominance and submission. Because, he said, it was time to move from the sex they’d always known and to “graduate” into something more advanced, something more sophisticated.

It was the first time I’d ever considered that anyone might view sexual maturity as a series of experiments leading from so-called vanilla to so-called kinky. Most of us are sexually curious in some way, of course—that’s healthy. But to imagine that dominance and submission were somehow a “higher” form of sexual activity than, say, playing nurse and patient really concerned me.

How many other people were out there with the same perspective? How many others were fumbling around for a sexual outlet that might bore them less than the ones they’d tried before? How many considered sexual development as a progression of experiences and achievements not unlike moving from Tenderfoot to Eagle Scout?

All of us are born with a unique sexual imprint, but in this world of over hyped self-improvement and relentless movement toward something newer/bigger/better, we seem to find it hard to fathom that it’s okay just to be who we are sexually. By the time we’re in our twenties, the road map of our sexual desires and appetites is pretty clear—if we choose to look at it and accept it. What we like and what we need to get aroused is not a secret to us. If, however, we keep looking outside ourselves to find the activity or lifestyle that seems cooler or hipper than what we actually like, that search is going to be endless. Not to mention futile.

The wife of that client I mentioned had told her husband repeatedly that she wasn’t interested in dominating him, but her husband wouldn’t let the idea go. (One could argue that he wasn’t so much concerned about pushing her into dominance as he was about surrendering to a suppressed urge to submit to her, but that’s conjecture we can leave for another discussion.) The point is that he had lived well into his fifties and still wasn’t content to accept his erotic landscape—or his wife’s. I found that sad because what he was seeking was not born of simple, healthy curiosity. It was the product of living in a society that teaches us that even in our sexual lives—the most private and personal and often deeply rewarding realms of our existence—we must change and be something else, even if it bears no relation to our sexual truth.

That client triggered my commitment to write a book that eventually morphed into the upcoming Your Erotic Personality: Identifying and Understanding Your Sexual Self due out in April of this year. In that book, I identify 12 different and distinct erotic personality types. Those types have been culled from my experience as a writer of customized erotic fiction. They are types that emerge over and over in the story requests Custom Erotica Source has received in the past 9 years. One is no more enlightened than the next, and certainly there is no hierarchy of types that requires people to aspire from one to another. If there were a hierarchy, it would stand to reason that there would be one or two ultimate types that everybody ought to be. And what could be more preposterous than that?

Starting next month, I’ll be presenting a new erotic personality type in this column. Not only will you see first-hand the vast differences among people’s unique sexual wiring but I hope you’ll also find the type that resonates with you and be inspired to embrace it.

Sage.
Custom Erotica Source

Ed’s Note: Sage’s revealing new book, ”Your Erotic Personality: Identifying and Understanding Your Sexual Self”, can be placed right now with:

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