What Type Of Drunk Is That?

Do you have a lot of friends that seem to be a little too dependent on alcohol? Their outings on the weekends are going to the bar on a Friday night and a wine walk during the day on Saturday. When you are near them instead of smelling Chanel or Hugo you smell Grey Goose or Bailey’s. On New Year’s Eve, I saw something very interesting for the first time: my boyfriend plastered. And I thought to myself “How do I handle this situation?” as I watched him blow chunks and try to apologize at the same time. I believe the first thing you have to do is figure out what type of drunk they are. Then you can go from there.

I have studied the most common types of drunks, and have made a diagnosis:

Emotional and/or friendly drunks - The ones that run around happily hugging people, and can bring genuine tears to their eyes and cry over the most trivial things. They also try to solve your problems and want to be confided in, but when you try to tell them something you do not want anyone else to hear they reply in a drunken whisper, which let me tell you is not a whisper at all.

Protocol: Hug them otherwise you will make them cry. Smile and nod if they do cry, and be very sympathetic until you can sneak away. Don't tell them anything. Damn big mouths...

Laid back drunks - They can hold perfectly intelligent conversations with only a hint of a slur in their speech. These types rarely ever puke because they know when to stop. Sometimes. They hug others because they know you are the other types of drunks and it will hurt your feelings if they fail to. Usually, they are sitting, and I will explain why. If they get up, all of their equilibrium, or lack there of, will be diminished, and they will have to close one eye just to see double. So they sit and chillax.

Protocol: Ignore the slur and don’t even think about hugging them. They will be irritated with those shenanigans already. Do not stand. It will confuse them. And agree with anything they say.

Horny drunks - They try to hump and flirt with everything in sight, including you, and think that they are the hottest person at the party. They hug for naughty reasons. When you do not see two horny drunks for at least thirty minutes, you can always assume what they are up to. Horny drunks tell you information about themselves that you really do not want to hear, like what their panties look like or how impressive their nether regions are. If you do want to hear about this, then I am going to have to say that you are most likely a horny drunk yourself.

Protocol: Don’t even think about hugging them unless you want to be groped and have naughty images of you whispering behind their intoxicated, crossed eyes. Do not speak any of the following words:

-Penis (or any other slang term)
-Vagina (or any other slang term)
-Breasts (or any other slang term)
-Size
-Dooty (unless you want them laughing long enough to where you can sneak away)

Aggressive drunks - These are the ones that always want to pick fights. They will be the first to be all for a game of pool or arm-wrestling, and will be very sore if they lose. They will stick up for a friend, whether that friend is even in a conflict or not. These drunks almost always puke. They are the first to start an argument over nothing so they can be right about something. If they come alone they usually leave alone. If they came with someone you can bet that person is pretty mousy, and adores their antagonistic mate. Aggressive drunks' hugs are painful, usually involving hard pats on the back or headlocks.

Protocol: Do not make suspicious eye contact with their mate, or have prolonged conversations with them. Do not win a game versus an aggressive drunk, or win but know karate (in case they come after your ass). Do not get in an argument with these types. You will always lose in their minds. If they think the sky is green the sky will be green. Also, make sure your nice shoes are not in range of their possible puke area. I would just steer clear from these types altogether.

Loud drunks - Constantly at the ping-pong table playing a game of beer pong, roaring with victory when they manage to hit a bright, germ-infested ping-pong ball into their opponents red plastic cup filled with warming beer. When something gets broken, like a chair or pool stick, it is usually the loud drunks’ fault. Loud drunks are fun to have at parties because they make everyone else feel better about their own dignity. When loud drunks hug, the hugs are elaborate, entail someone’s feet coming off the floor, and leave you with your head spinning.

Protocol: Just go with the flow with these types. They are mostly harmless, and are truly fun to hang out with. Get a hug from these types if you are feeling down. Hell, get a hug from these types because they are awesome. Try to speak in normal tones to keep them from screaming your ear off. And keep them away from easily breakable objects.

Myth time! Just about anything you hear about drunks is true, so I decided to go over a few myths about alcohol.

Myth #1: Coffee, cold showers, exercise, etc. will help sober someone up.

FALSE. The only method that will sober people up is time. You might feel more alert after trying these methods, but the concentration of alcohol in your blood will remain the same. It is all really up to how fast your liver metabolizes the alcohol. That did not stop me from stuffing bread down my boyfriends throat New Year's Eve though, attempting to "soak up" the alcohol.

Myth #2: You will get drunk a lot quicker by drinking hard liquor than beer or wine.

FALSE. Standard servings of all three of these drinks have equivalent levels of alcohol and will make you equally intoxicated. What is in 12 ounces of beer is also in 1 shot of 100 proof hard liquor. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true! So those "foo foo drinks" guys complain so much about and loathe are just as hard as their beers or shots of tequila. Ha!

Myth #3: Anyone who passes out from drinking too much should "sleep it off".

FALSE. The worst you can do is drag that person into a bedroom away from everyone else and close the door. The amount of alcohol it takes to make you pass out is dangerously close to the amount it takes to kill you. Passing out via alcohol affects your heart rate, breathing, and blood pressure. So stealing their shoes and writing on their faces before ditching them is not cool!

Well, you have been informed. If you can't beat them, join them. It is much more enjoyable than feeling like a babysitter all night. What type of drunk are you? Whatever your inner drunk is, I hope it is doing a keg stand right now!

If you have any questions, praise, or topic ideas, please feel free to email B. M. Carter at Brandi_Layla@hotmail.com