Understanding The Gamer

Ladies, there is an epidemic. It’s been going on for quite some time, and due to recent events, has grown out of control. What I am speaking of is video games. They are everywhere! And it has turned our men into gamers: hardcore video game players. You probably did not think your man could possibly sit and do anything for longer than three hours (except maybe watch football; if only sex were football), but you’re amazed to find he can easily sit and play Halo for hours at a time. Does LFG or “woot” or “noob” sound familiar? Then your man has gamer syndrome, my friend, and there’s not much hope for him.

Fortunately, there is hope for you! Unfortunately, we are going to have to accept this video game outbreak, and tag along for the ride just like I make my beau tag along with me to the mall when I go shopping. But, we can make it work! I’ve learned through careful research that men find women who like video games sexy. And it’s actually nice to sit and bond with each other while blowing slimy aliens up or solving intricate puzzles.

There are three games that every beginning gamer (or noob, get used to saying that!) should know about. I’ve listed a few facts about them below:

Fact #1: Zelda is the princess, NOT the little boy running around in tights.

Don’t give me that look. You have no idea how many people did not know that! I’ll admit I was one of them. The little boy’s name is Link. While we’re on the subject, learn the Zelda theme song. Immediately.

Fact #2: The Super Mario Brothers Gang:

1. Mario – if I have to explain who this legendary plumber is then there’s no hope for you

2. Luigi – see above

3. Yoshi – a cute, green dinosaur that always saves Mario’s pleasantly plump ass; he is NOT Mario’s pet

4. Princess Peach – the damsel in pink that is always distressing; I think she has a thing for the short, chubby, and hairy types (I get the hairy part)

5. Toad – not a very flattering name, but this little guy is the adorable little kid with a mushroom for a head; he almost seems to be Peach’s pet

If you see something in the game that is not any of the above characters, you’re probably supposed to kill it (i.e. Bowser (the giant mean-looking turtle), Bowser’s turtle minions, walking fungi, Wario). There are many theories as to who Wario is exactly (the evil Mario looking dude). Some say he’s Mario’s evil twin. Others say they were just childhood pals and their relationship went awry. Some even go as far to say that he’s from another dimension. Bring this debate up with your beau. I’m sure he’ll be impressed.

Now, both of these are from the Godfather of video games: Nintendo. But there are also other great classics from other game consoles. Like Final Fantasy, the third game you need to know about. Playstation of course. Final Fantasy VII is by far the BEST Final Fantasy, and should be the first you play if you decide to try any of them out. Speaking of Playstation, the newest version of it (PS3) has recently come out along with the newest Nintendo (Wii). I think the Wii is more user friendly than the PS3. Plus it’s like $300 cheaper! Computers are cheaper than the PS3! Not that I’m dissing it. The graphics are hands down the best so far in the gaming industry, and the PS3 also has the best technology. You won’t need a DVD player if you have one, trust me.

Here is a list of a few games that I think are very female friendly, but at the same time co-op capable so you can enjoy them with your beau without him worrying about his manhood.

1. Pikmin 2 (or even Pikmin) – ( NINTENDO GAMECUBE) A very cute game where you get to control a multi-colored group of beings called Pikmin. You, Captain Olimar (who reminds me of a certain famous plumber) meet these life forms when you become stranded on their planet while traveling through space. The point of the game is to put your ship back together via many confusing and also timed puzzles with the help of your newfound Pikmin posse. And we all know women are a lot better at solving puzzles than men are. Anyway, that’s in the first Pikmin. The object of the second one is to gather up your Pikmin posse again (this time with two new colors!) and help Olimar get his Freight company (Hocotate) out of debt. Loan sharks are very serious about their money!

2. Halo – (MICROSOFT X-BOX) I know, it’s not like Gates really needs anymore money, but you have to give his company props for having us able to play an AWESOME game. The first-person shooting action is amazing, but it’s the co-op story that really got me into this game. Remember the alien-killing I was talking about? Well, this game is all about that. You get to save humankind as a team! And when you beat that, you can sign onto X-box Live and battle against real people around the world (as a team!), slicing them down with your energy sword (best weapon for noobs; I prefer the sniper rifle).

3. The Warriors – (SONY PLAYSTATION) If you know the movie, you get the gist of the game. A gang in the underground of New York City gets framed for killing a very important fellow, and you have to fix that. As the game says, you must “Jap some foo’s” gangster style!

4. Wii Sports – (NINTENDO WII) Anyone can get into these! Not the best graphics, but there’s a demo CD that has sports from golf to bowling to boxing! And what’s fun about it is the interaction. The controllers for Wii are made to be movement sensitive with built in gyros (or gyroscopes). So when you golf you actually have to stand up and swing with the controller in your hand, and you have to punch with it in your hand when you’re boxing. Imagine how much fun tennis or baseball is. Not to mention it’s a wonderful work out. And you don’t have to be good at any of the sports. My Gabe can’t bowl to save his life, but on the game he bowls a minimum 150 (which still isn’t all that great but it’s better than his usual 30-45 score). Plus you get to make a character, your own Mii (HAHA, clever).

Now, I know all gamers don’t just stick to game consoles. I bet some of you had to beg your beau to get onto the computer, for he was in the middle of a raid, and rolling on an epic. I know exactly what you’re going through. The biggest RPG (role-playing game) on the net right now is definitely World of Warcraft. I call it World of Warcrack. My friends can’t get enough of it! So I decided to go with the flow and made my own character. The game actually isn’t that bad! If you decide to get into it, you’ll need to know some of the lingo.

-noob(low-experienced, worthless video game player)
“You’re a shadow specced priest? You noob!” (You’re the most useless type of player in the game? You’re such a worthless video game player.) Priests in most games, are meant to heal. Shadow specced priest cause damage (low at that), and run around in dresses that are rubbish. There’s no point in being a priest if you’re not going to heal!

-LFG (Looking For Group)
“LFG SM Library” (I’m looking for a group to do the Scarlet Monastery Library.) In games as big as WoW (World of Warcraft, keep up with me here) you’ll be doing a lot of grouping.

-WTS/B/T(Want to sell, buy, or trade)
“WTS [felcloth] x 20, 30g PST” (I want to sell twenty pieces of felcloth for thirty gold, please send me a private message.) Trading and selling helps the economy and helps you make lots of money to buy shiny things!

-woot(sweet; nice; I am pleased)
“I just hit level 60! Woot!” (I just gained level sixty, the highest level in the game! Sweet!). Leveling and advancing through the game is very important to most people that play WoW. Once you’re a 60, you can basically call anybody a noob! Especially anything lower than level 20. By the way, level 19 characters are known as “twinks”. They are characters made to stay that level to enjoy PVP (player versus player) at that level.

Of course I have to cover a few myths!

Myth #1: Violent video games make violent video gamers.

FALSE. No one’s that weak minded except the clones that got the force used on them in Star Wars. Give this one a rest please!

Myth #2: Gamers are fat, pimply, low self-esteemed losers that never get laid.

FALSE. My beau is HOT, and gets laid rather frequently. Plus plenty of celebrities (i.e. Jessica Alba, Vin Diesel, Ben Affleck, Tony Hawk, etc) are gamers, and they are far from ugly.

Well my friends, you have been informed. I hope your inner gamer is doing the Snoopy dance and saying “woot” right now!

If you have any questions, praise, or topic ideas, please feel free to email B. M. Carter at Brandi_Layla@hotmail.com