The Cycle of Sexy Happiness: reclaim the woman

Anyone want a 13 month old that’s really cute? I’m giving her away for a few days so I can have sex with my husband. I’ll even throw in a really smart 9 year old to help you. Not interested, huh? Didn’t think so.

The whole mommy thing is really getting on my nerves lately. It’s a phase and I know this but I need it to pass. I’ve spent some minimal time alone lately and I like it. A lot. Now I feel the beginnings of an addiction coming on; I want more!!!

The baby is just beginning to walk and a recent vacation suddenly changed her into a Hoover. She attaches to my leg and doesn’t let go like a dog in heat and then she makes these whiny noises and like a vacuum sucks the life out of me. At night she wakes up and won’t go to my husband. She looks at me like I’m leaving her forever and gives me puppy dog eyes full of sadness when I walk out of the room. I really need to detach this kid from my leg.

She could be lonely or feeling cooped up in the apartment. We bought her some new toys with fancy music and sounds (volume control was a prerequisite) but it doesn’t keep her attention. The toilet paper roll does. She likes to tear it up into tiny pieces and then sucks on the bits of paper. This is of course, when she’s not picking up and eating the hair on the bathroom floor. I got myself a Swiffer by the way. Now I can dance and clean my floor at the same time.

She also likes my pantry cabinet. Glass jars are her favorite. Maybe because they look shiny but she ignores the safe stuff like cans or boxes. Then, I may as well mention, she likes to drink the last bits of the wine coolers we have in the glass recycle bin. It actually only happened twice but she grabs the bottle and sticks it right into her mouth like a pro. A college girl in the making. My mind tries to not go elsewhere.

There are lots of cute things about the baby world though, like her little wave “bye-bye” and she is beginning to say a few words. When she smiles her little teeth make me smile. But aside from the cute, cuddly stuff she’s driving me bananas and I can’t get much done. So I decided my sanity was more important than anything else so I’m out to find a baby sitter. I need one for the weekends so I can have a day/evening to be wined, dined and romanced by my husband; I need another for the weekdays so I can allot some time for the little career I have and yet one more for weeknight evenings just in case I get crazy and pitch the “I’ll have sex with you if you take me out tonight” line. Plus, I got a few new sexy dresses that I’m dying to wear out.

This little rant is leading to the fact that is that I really miss being a woman. I think only a mom can understand me here. Day in and day out all I do is mommyhood and somewhere in there is a woman who really needs to come out again. Not only do I want, crave and need sex, I need that feeling of being sexy. If not, I’m liable to turn into one of those horrible moms whose shorts ride up her ass while attaining to perfect soccer mom status and bake cupcakes for my little ones. That’s not me. I bake a killer apple strudel from scratch (yes, I stretch the dough because store bought phyllo is cheating) and wear skirts with heels. And I make my kids walk to their after school activities. Exercise is good for them.

You see, I’m attaining to be one of those sexy moms. This way I have the women at the PTA gossip about how I’m showing too much cleavage but secretly wish they had the courage to do the same. Then I can have the teen boys say, “Wow! Your mom is hot!” to my kids which will really make them sick to their stomachs as I explain that boys only want sex anyway; age has nothing to do with it. Hopefully that will keep the older one away from the boys as I hope to make my point. I can also make my husband’s co-workers a bit jealous, which I assume will only make him kinda proud and probably horny so that he won’t mind paying the babysitters their asking price when I give it up to him later (the exchange rate is high right now). And lastly, when I attain sexy mom status again, I can bring out the woman that’s been hiding behind the diaper bag for a year while wearing baggy clothes to camouflage the baby jelly belly and continue to write the erotic work I’m capable of. It’s just so hard thinking erotic fiction when the dominating household conversations are about the color and texture of baby poop. Not a parent? Ha! Just wait and see.

I raided my drawers and found a sexy black push up bra to begin the PTA cleavage process. I bought it for the honeymoon I never had. Fortunately, hubby finally got to see it on only recently and, well, yes, he liked it. A lot. So to go along with the new dresses, the woman within needs to go lingerie shopping. Then I’ll hit the streets of my little village and see what gossip I can stir. It’s rather boring around here. After that I can tell my husband all about it and have him unsnap the black lace bra with one hand (he’s quite the expert from what I remember) before we make wild passionate love. The best part will be when I realize the kids are not home.

So my point is that if I’m happy, the family is likely to be happy. And if they’re happy, they’re likely to make other people happy and we can assume this cycle can spread outwards like ripples in a pond. What a happy world it would be if moms could find the woman within that everyone in her life sucks out of her?

My best suggestion to moms is this: get sexy! When you feel sexy, you act sexy. If you act sexy you may actually be in the mood for sex and that will make your husband, boyfriend or “other” partner happy and of course, if the sex is good, it’ll make you happy and there you go, the cycle of sexy happiness.

Namaste,
Tatiana Von Tauber
www.vontauber.com