The Conservative Madam

Several hundred dildos stood out like extra large, individually packaged crayons. “Create and enjoy!” the store screamed but my creativity and enjoyment dropped like a dick when thinking of Margaret Thatcher. For my birthday last week, my husband took me to a sex shop. The last time I walked into one of those places it was in a basement in the Frankfurt red-light district and it gave me the creeps. So, when a friend suggested a sex shop created for women by women, my hubby thought he’d found the perfect solution. So did I.

I walked in confident. The front of the small shop had racks of lingerie and fetish wear but I headed like a hurricane straight to my destination: toys. However, the moment I arrived in the “backroom”, I froze. It was all those penis shaped crayons, every shape, size, color and scary use that probably hit my anxiety button. Which did what? Which should I get? Why was one better than another? Why are there so many in the first place? What the heck am I doing here?!

Unfortunately, the entire experience was full of more anxiety than I could handle in a quick visit. Everywhere I looked, plastic cocks starred me in the face. My choice was to run, either with it or away from it. Had my husband not stopped me, I would have run away in my special Flash Gordon heels. In fact, when he picked up the extra large, real life looking dildo, I looked up at the ceiling and said, “I can’t do this. I need to get out of here.” I was short of breath as my heart pounded and I felt vulnerable, shy and embarrassed. Oh, and stupid too. He thought, “We’re here so let’s make a purchase!” I wanted to scream, “You buy. I go. Surprise me later!”

I think what was worse was when the saleswoman approached me and asked if I needed help. I would have asked for extra oxygen and a mask but I knew she didn’t have any hidden for people like me. She should. She probably deals with women like me a lot and she seemed very willing to help my needs; however, what I needed was air, not dildo recommendations. I politely smiled, said no and sprinted to a different area because there was no way at that moment I wanted to be seen going to the “love yourself” section my husband was standing in.

What occurred to me was that shopping for sex toys was just not my thing. Or maybe it was but I’d be more comfortable making such purchases with a wig, big sunglasses in a chicken suit because not only is that how I felt, I would have been more comfortable looking like the chicken I really was. This is a huge contradiction of my character considering my career. I can photograph a nude woman, write sex stories about orgies and study sexuality but I can’t go into a sex shop. In fact, this very contradiction to my two part personality is something I opted to confront when I originally agreed to visit this feminine sex shop.

I feel awfully hypocritical. What I’ve concluded is my sex positive nature is only positive when in a non-threatening mode, meaning I can control the experience and those who witness it. The internet has really opened doors for women who have fantastic sensuality and sexual diversity but are simply too shy for others to know. Where my shyness about sex shops comes from, I don’t know but I do know that I’m not the only one. For now, I’ve decided any sex toy purchases will just have to be made online. There’s no way around it. I’ll revisit the store again but I’ll stick to the lingerie section, in which case, I can pretend to be in a lingerie only shop. Maybe a few self illusionary trips will build up my courage to walk into the backroom for the things that make me blush. I’m working on baby steps here.

I guess that’s something you didn’t expect from this erotic woman. We all have our secrets. Coming out is the best way to deal with them, I think. Knowing me, I’ll psychoanalyze myself and learn why I’m the way I am. I can only speculate that once that happens, I’ll either stick to my usual ways or break out from my conservative shell. What’s really interesting to me though is that in the world of Internet sex, there are few voices who speak to women who love sexuality but would rather whisper their interest than scream it. I don’t mind getting down and dirty. I simply prefer to exercise my right to leave my private world private. Mystery is what it’s about for me. Dildos on a shelf and couples within a few feet simply place me in a position where I have to disclose more information about my sexuality than I want to. I don’t even want a sales woman to know what I have in my bedroom. While I admire women who throw their inhabitations to the wind in public display, you’ll probably never get that out of me.

The best way for me to feel positive about this experience is to put it out there knowing there are other women who fit the outside conservative mold while on the inside they’re more than capable of being sexual divas, wild between the sheets and diverse in their likes. The Internet is a wonderful tool for conservative women on the outside but liberal on the inside. It offers discreet opportunities to get our feet wet. The first time or two are always difficult. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll own a sex shop. I’ll be like some little old Madam Tatiana showing the young girls vibrators and explaining the difference between good sex and reeeally good sex.

Namaste,
Tatiana von Tauber
www.vontauber.com