Looking At Blind Dates

Ah, the blind date. The gut-wrenching, nail-biting, “Oh my God, what is he wearing?” blind date. The constant shy aversion of eye contact, the mind-numbing, emptier than a freshly opened pint of some five or six syllable ice cream flavor conversation. The awkward-as-ass silence on your front porch in the dark as you wait for him to do something for heaven’s sake!

Well, none of mine have been anything like that, but I’ve heard horror stories.

Unfortunately, ladies, I can only advise you on your part in the date. If it sucks, blame the dickhead that bought you dinner.

1. Getting Ready

A. Don’t be a clown. And by that I mean don’t wear a pound of makeup. More than half of my friends have penises and they have informed me that they loath heavy makeup. Hell, even a fan of my column told me that (Hi, Matt!). Keep it light, please.

B. Accentuate your best asset. Not your breasts, sheesh, he’ll be ogling those enough as it is. You may have mile-long legs or cute feet. Mine is my collar-bone. I know…weird…but old ladies smelling of icy-hot and too much perfume compliment me all the time. Sexy sandals (I’m personally a sucker for wedges), or a modest skirt with a not so modest slit will do the trick for legs and feet. Cute sneakers and cargo shorts if you’re, I don’t know… hiking or something? I know some of us girlies can be outdoorsy, and some fellers like taking gals on creative dates. So accentuate but dress appropriately.

C. Have an escape route. Optional. But if you have one of those awesome friends that will call you to get you the hell out of there with a reasonable-sounding emergency, give them the heads up. If you use their services, send them flowers the next day. We appreciate stuff like that.

2. Do’s

A. Be yourself. If you try to be the “perfect you” the whole time, the person you just dated didn’t really date you. If it’s the first time you had a professional pedicure to have pretty toes hanging out your first pair of four-inch heels that look darling with that tighter than a finger-trap skirt… seriously. Look your best, but only the best that you would normally go through the trouble of achieving.

B. Have a mental list of topics to talk about. Make a huge list of anything you feel would be interesting conversation. Then in the car (if he picks you up), as you meet him, as he orders, slowly shrink your list to topics you feel he seems he’ll actually be interested in after observing him for a little while.

C. Bring money. You might need to rescue his sorry ass if he doesn’t bring enough of his own.

D. Flirt. For tips on flirting I’d refer to my flirting etiquette piece...I’m too lazy to type the whole thing again! Hell, copying and pasting is considered hard labor to me… I’m so pathetic. Flirt but don’t make it seem as if you’re totally into him. And if you’re horrid at flirting you can always laugh, laugh, laugh. Guys love that. See, I’m not too lazy.

3. Don’t’s

A. Talk about yourself. Well, not incessantly. He will ask you questions about yourself (I would hope), but don’t go on a rant in a shrill voice with excited hand movements. Plus, if you have a second date, you would need something to talk about. So don’t tell your life story too soon.

B. Talk about marriage, kids, Ex’s, etc. Unless you want to completely ruin the date. Go ahead. Ruin it then.

C. Lie… too much. If he’s a keeper, you will have some s’plaining to do in the future, Lucy.

D. Agree on a creepy date. Remember me mentioning cargo shorts and hiking? Well, if a guy you’ve never met says, “Um… how about we go on a hike up in the mountains?”. Hello?! I don’t care how nice the guy sounds on the internet/phone, or how sweet your friend says the guy is, try to pick a place where there are other inhabitants. I’m not saying it has to be dinner. You can go dancing, to an art museum or local function (which would be a wine walk for my alcoholic, single friends). But no movies. Sitting in the dark not being able to speak to each other with cell phones off ruining any chance of being saved via phone call is simply not kosher with me.

4. Emergency Stalls

Run out of something to say? Use these stalling methods to buy more time.

A. Look into his eyes…allowing a shy, small smile to spread across your face. Gets them every time.

B. Sip your drink…ever so slowly.

C. “Accidentally” knock your silverware from the table…or your napkin from your lap.

D. Pretend your cell phone is vibrating. Spending ample time digging through your purse.

Don’t make it obvious as to what you’re doing. We don’t want him knowing your stalling right?

I should start picking topics on myths because this is getting ridiculous…

Myth #1 Smarter, prettier women get married first.

FALSE. Though, I am getting married before all of my other girlfriends. Haha, kidding! There are plenty of intelligent, gorgeous single women.

Myth #2 Women can pay for the date.

TRUE. I didn’t say I would, I’m too much of a snot. But there is nothing wrong with going Dutch, or footing the bill all together.

Myth #3 If you don’t “click” during the date, it won’t work out.

FALSE. Most people who are nervous wrecks are trying too hard on a blind date. I’d say go on at least three dates with the guy before deciding it’s not going to work. If he does something really strange though, avoid him like the plague.

Well, my friends even informed me a little with this information, and I hope you have been informed as well. Til next time, loves. I hope your inner blind dater is popping Altoids like skittles right now!

If you have any questions, praise, or topic ideas, please feel free to email B. M. Carter at Brandi_Layla@hotmail.com