Fight the Habit

So almost everyone I know has a bad habit. The worst part is the person with said bad habit usually doesn’t know. And you want to tell them, but you don’t want to be rude, or you’re simply not sure how to help. First of all, if they don’t want to change, don’t waste your time. If you want to help, don’t be a fixer, be a friend / girlfriend / sister / whatever. If their habit really bugs you and they won’t change, learn to ignore, accept, talk to them less, or something else that you both can agree on.

Now, I have listed a few bad habits I normally run into.

Bad Habit: Tobacco Use

Cigarettes, chewing… it’s all a serious bad habit that is detrimental to one’s health. When asked why they do it, the most common responses are it’s cool, it relieves stress, and it’s a great ending (after a meal, sex, etc.).

Tobacco use is addictive, and cannot be taken lightly. Telling someone to “just quit” will likely get you a scowl or a punch in the face. Gabe was a smoker when I met him, and I simply told him it was me or the cigs, and during our first date to Disneyland, he smoked in the designated cancer stick section with Mickey Mouse blaring from the incognito speakers - it was the last cigarette he ever tasted. Or maybe it was after we shagged that night at the Sutton. I forget. Anyway , I’m not suggesting you break up or cut that person out of your life. Here are more reasonable tips:

1. Be very supportive and help them stay true with medicinal methods such as the patch, gum, or even hypnosis.

2. My husband’s advice (and I’m embarrassed to put this, but he loves contributing to my articles when he can): smoke joints. There is no solid evidence that marijuana is unhealthy for you (husband’s words). He says it helps with the oral fixation. So if you’re okay with the whole illegal part of it, feel free to take my husband’s advice. And this was a method he tried before we met (cause there‘s no way I‘d allow it), which goes to show that you might not succeed the first time.

3. Guilt them. I am against guilt-tripping people, but for something like this I’ll acquiesce. Tell them they’re giving you the black lung by smoking in your presence or how dare they risk their health and die on you prematurely by deteriorating their own health. Hell, put pictures of people with gingivitis in their beds. Okay, that’s creepy, don’t do that. Though do whatever it takes! Ya know, without creepy pictures.

Bad Habit: Procrastination

This bad habit is supposedly caused by some psychological bullshit or another, but for me and most it is due to laziness. Why else do you think my articles are never posted on the same day? It’s not the lovely administrators, it’s not fearing failure, it’s my sorry ass dropping the ball and being too lazy to sit at my computer and let the creative juices flow. That, and there’s a lot less creative juices (hint hint: you can help with that). Ahem, so a few tips:

1. Get involved with the procrastinator’s tasks by setting goals for them to follow.

2. Help them attempt to do the tasks at hand as soon as they receive them.

3. Remind them of the deadline because they might have simply forgotten.

Bad Habit: Swearing

Four or five years ago the worst curse I would mutter was “crap”. That’s so not the case anymore. I was talking to my mom - my sweet, God-fearing mom - the other night and “shit” casually leapt into one of my sentences. We both paused, realizing what I said before my mother whispered in a horrified tone, “Did you just say the ‘S word’?”

Look, not everyone is offended by such language, I get that, but there is a time and a place. I doubt most offices and the relatives that saw you in diapers want to hear expletives spout from your mouth. If you or someone you know curses like a sailor (at the wrong time/place), try one of these:

1. Make up words. You’ll forget what your cursing about as you hear yourself say “plucking bell!” or “cheese and rice!”

2. Have a swear jar. The amount of cash put in depends on how bad the swear is. The person who contributes the least gets the cash at the end of the week. That person is usually S (Gabe’s daughter). Damn ankle-biter gets a toy just about every weekend.

3. When you really don’t want to swear in a situation, imagine your mother, boss, or someone else you wouldn’t swear in front of in the room.

Bad Habit: Nail Biting

I can convince my husband to quite smoking, but not to stop biting his nails. If you’re as grossed out by it as I am, try one of these methods on your nail biter:

1. Apply a clear, bitter nail polish to their fingernails. I shouldn’t have to discern on the flavor of the nail polish, but you should see some of the crazy stuff that’s supposed to be nail polish these days.

2. Buy them a manicure, prompting them to keep it nice.

3. Have them clip their nails regularly to ease temptation.

4. Be honest and tell them their nails look gross all scabby and raw and can get infected.

Myths about bad habits were pretty easy.

Myth #1: Cracking your body causes arthritis.

FALSE. Those nerve-grating pops you hear when someone cracks their knuckles is simply bubbles releasing in joint fluid. Cracking your body can contribute to inflammation and subject limbs to undue stress, but if it’s painless, doctors say it’s most likely harmless.

Myth #2: Farting can kill you.

FALSE. Heehee, people have died and gas has been a factor, but not the reason. By the way, I don’t think farting is a bad habit since it’s natural. This is directed more at my friends that think it’s funny to fart while in the elevator with me as I look horrified when someone else hops in, or to wait for me to go “ugh!” while being with them in the car as they let a silent but deadly flatulent fly. And because they believe this myth. Dumb bastards.

Myth #3: Thumb/finger sucking can cause buck teeth.

TRUE. This bad habit won’t only affect your teeth, but your swallowing and speech. So if you’re past the drooling stage, I suggest you quit.

I hope you’ve gotten some ideas on how to help that one friend of yours instead of wanting to flog them with rancid meat. Be informed, friends, and I hope your inner “fixer” is planning an intervention right now!

If you have any questions, praise, or topic ideas, please feel free to email B. M. Carter at:

Brandi_Layla@hotmail.com