Don’t Step On Your Step-Children

Step-child- A child of one's spouse by a previous union.

Some think of their stepchildren and shudder with horror and/or disgust while others are ecstatic about having a little one to befriend and spoil with no repercussions. To be completely honest, I do a little of both.

All right, now I know not all of you have stepchildren, but some of you could be dating someone who has kids, or there could be kids that you’re around regularly. And if you’re not in any of these categories well, geez, it’s not like all of my articles pertain to everyone!

I’ve officially joined the stepmother club (where is my membership vest?), and am a stepparent to a beautiful five-year-old. We’ll call her S. I’ve known the doll for many years now, and I’ve learned a few things that I think anyone in my position should know.

Tip #1 - Learn to share.

I can’t help but see red when I’m cuddling with Gabe and suddenly S, who is perfectly fine until she sees us cuddling, rushes over in-between us, stealing Gabe’s attention from me and making me feel like chopped liver. Actually, Gabe likes liver, so instead I’ll say she makes me feel like a cheeseburger befouled with pickles. That works. Anyway, the sooner you realize you’ll be sharing your hubby’s attention and affection, pretty much forever, the easier it is to not be jealous and want to strangle the midget. It takes time. Lots of it. It’s been years and I still want to just…grrr.

Tip #2 - Know your partner’s discipline rules.

I’m a strict military brat. I believe in pleases, yes ma’am, no sir’s, excuse me’s, and I’ll be damned if you get desert without finishing all of your dinner. Compared to me, Gabe’s pretty much a hippy. So as you can imagine, choosing proper discipline that we can both agree upon for S while she stays with us can be pretty difficult. But since S didn’t pop out of me, we go by Gabe’s rule (though I have gotten her to say “excuse me” when we’re talking to someone else instead of rudely interrupting). Talk with your partner about what protocol to follow in a given situation. Do you put her in a corner when she commits a minor infraction, or is it a “strike one”? If she talks back, do you bitch slap her or do you go on a spiel about how you’re the boss and she doesn’t talk to you that way? Don’t worry, I don’t believe in spanking. Now, Gabe on the other hand. Let’s just say when S receives a smart smack on the bum, she runs to me and we cry together.

Tip #3 – Don’t show the kid weakness.

Never, ever fight with your partner in front of the child. When a problem arises, don’t take opposite sides. The kid needs to think that you and your partner are a united team, and what your partner says goes, and there’s no convincing you to let them do otherwise. Nothing is more exasperating than when I can hear S ask Gabe for something, and when he says no she promptly comes to me and asks the same question. We’re working on it!

Tip #4 - Spend some one-on-one time.

As scary as it sounds (and it is), it is best to spend some alone time with your significant other’s child. A personal relationship is very important when it comes to step kids. When you signed your marriage license, you promised to financially, emotionally, and physically be a part of that kid’s life for the rest of your own. You might as well like him, and setting time aside for him and you is a perfect start. S and I walk around a nearby marina every other weekend. It’s our girl time, and on the way home I feel a little bit closer to her, not having Gabe as a safety between us.

Tip #5 - Hear the kid out.

Yes, you’re the adult and therefore the boss, and what the hell is she going to do about it? Still, nothing irks kids more than when they feel as if their words don’t matter. When making plans involving them, make sure to ask them for their opinion. When a problem arises, ask them for their side of the story. If they look bummed, ask what’s eating them and really listen. Treat them with respect. Don’t get me wrong though, we’re still the boss.

Tip #6 - Create traditions.

Being a new family, you probably wouldn’t have many, if any, traditions. Introduce your own family traditions as you create new ones. It’ll bring you that much closer.

Tip #7 – Don’t ignore your bed buddy.

Bonding with his kids is important, but don’t forget about him. Always try to find time to simply be with him. That’s what babysitters are for.

Being a stepmother myself, I had to do myths on step moms. Yay us!

Myth #1: Stepmothers are wicked.

FALSE. I know some stepmothers who are sweeter than the children’s real mothers. Though at times S yells “you’re so mean!” in my face, I can’t possibly be wicked. At least, not in the stepmother sense. Okay, maybe a little.

Myth #2: Stepchildren will never truly love their stepmothers.

FALSE. Well, you are not and never will be the kid’¯s mother, so don’t waste your time trying to be, but that doesn’t mean the child will never love you. I’ve lost count on how many times S tells me she loves me throughout a given day. And perhaps you don’t think kids understand love, but at her age, her feelings are still genuine. She might simply really, really like me, but I comfort myself with the thought that she might really love me and would be really sad if anything happened to me.

Writing this column made me realize I need to practice what I preach (new mantra: learn to share, learn to share, learn to share). Gabe and S are very important to me, and though at times I share a little too much information, I'm glad to have shared this aspect of my life with you all. No matter what part of life you're in right now, I hope you've been informed, about me and what it's like to care for a little one that might or might not be yours.

If you have any questions, praise, or topic ideas, please feel free to email B. M. Carter at Brandi_Layla@hotmail.com