A Woman’s Curse (and remedy)

I have a special engagement this weekend. My best expat friend is hosting a Girls Weekend in her loft with two very strict rules: no men and no children allowed. It’s been so long since I was in a room with a group of women only that I barely remember what it feels like much less how the conversations will go. Ultimately, if memory serves correct, sex always becomes a highlighting topic.

I’m not really out to talk about sex during Girl’s Weekend since this topic takes up so much of my mind already and considering I’m mid way through my sexual ethics class, I’ve so much sex on the brain I can barely think about it anymore with any level of enthusiasm. As I’ve recently blogged, sexual ethics class has become obligatory – yes, like the sex itself we occasionally (or more often depending on your situation) have with a partner. We give it up for another in some sort of unselfish fashion but as much as we try, the mood never catches up and unless there is a firm understanding that we will only play a vessel, the only other option becomes, you guessed it, faking it. I’m faking it with sexual ethics class. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the challenge but I’m finding it difficult to just get into it.

So, I’m wondering what juicy conversations will stir with a bunch of Cosmopolitan and Sangria filled women. It’s been so long since I’ve enjoyed full course drunkenness without the need for responsibility afterwards that it feels awkward, yet deliciously sinful. After a year of baby, housework and school time dominating life, this girl adventure is more than what I need to remember that I am in fact, a woman first and foremost. The roles of wife, mother and student are secondary but seem to require that I always give to others but rarely myself.

The above is the female curse to many of us. In order to keep a household running or a relationship going, we often give more than we receive. And while that idea is very altruistic in a general sense, it’s emptying as too much altruism strips away one of the beauties of life: self-fulfillment.

Every woman needs a different degree of self-fulfillment and for those who have had the real world experience of life slapping our faces at some point, here’s a reason or two why we should occasionally play egotist.

In an effort to live life to our fullest, we tend to seek pleasure in all its forms, whether through sexual pleasure or scratching off an item from a “to do” list. Everything in life, whether we realize it or not, is aimed towards achieving the most pleasure possible while avoiding pain, or displeasure. However, without experiencing the latter, how can we place any kind of value on pleasure itself? Can one always be happy in the sense of really understanding happiness unless life gives us its counterpart? I don’t think so.

I believe that dis-pleasures or pains are those things or emotions that force us to face our biggest fears and bring out our greatest capabilities which mere happiness never could. I am one of those women whose destiny was to vow to the joys and pains of relationships, be it through my husband or my children. One of my school classmates brought up an interesting perspective about childbirth as an extreme form of sadomasochism, from a philosophical perspective of course. I’ll save the full analysis of that for my website but for the moment, I’ll offer a quick overview as I think it’s worth thinking about.

Childbirth contains no pleasure as far as I’m concerned but the moment a newborn is placed into our arms, the pain dissipates. It is a form of sadistic pain for ultimate pleasure. For a brief instant, the excruciating hurt of popping out a small watermelon though the most sought after and intimate part of our bodies becomes the means to appreciating what women must go through to bring life into the world. I think this deserves some serious applause!

A question I must ask is, do we seek out displeasure from an unconscious level in order to fully understand the happiness we seek? By no means does a newborn in a woman’s arms continue in its pure pleasure glory. The moment those sleepless nights begin and the baby’s demanding nature comes through, the pain starts all over again. Having children is a see saw of ups and downs and never a continuous line of emotion or experience. Marriage is the same and while I’m at it, so is life.

Therefore, if any of you are still one of those young and/or childless women still out to fulfill your own desires and dreams I’d like to offer a bit of motherly advice: continue until it drains you. Marriage and family seems to be one of those things most women want. I won’t analyze why but once we’re there and the honeymoon passes, we find ourselves remembering the freedom we once had. When we seek relationship vows, we seem to be stuck in Carrie mode (Sex and the City), seeking a man to make us happy, filled by fairy tale ideals that quite honestly, rarely if ever happen.

Self-fulfillment comes from understanding ourselves. The sooner women reach that point in their loves, the better they’ll be for it. However, don’t misunderstand. Through the cycles of life, the ups and downs and the continual changes we endure – both men and women – we are not the same people today as we were yesterday as every experience gradually seeps into the psyche and molds our thinking just a bit. It is, however, through those painful times, those sadomasochistic moments, that we come face to face with the newness of what we’ve become or are about ready to become.

My life in the past few years has been full of such sadomasochistic pains, unexpected traumas and daily tribulations that forced me to up my belief in altruistic ways, which many will argue are impossible (just as a philosopher). However, at some point we find that egoism is very important because there isn’t always room for the others in our hearts and minds. Somewhere within there must be room for the one person who will never leave us alone, and that is the inner YOU.

Whether we seek or avoid dis-pleasure from a conscious or subconscious way, this month, play with egoism. Think of your needs, desires, pleasures and yourself. Give only what you must to others (of course without you the world would fall apart) but for a few brief weeks make it all about you. Breathe in the fresh spring air and renew the woman within. She is most often the sacrifice within her own sadomasochistic life.

That’s what I’m going to do this weekend. Twelve women and myself, lots of drinks, food, laughter, conversation and when the focus becomes how we all engage in a that obligatory sex with our partners, I’ll sit back and listen to their complaints before I tell them that without it we might not really understand the self-defining values we place on the kind of sex we are into in the first place. They’ll probably look at me strange and I’ll most likely have to get philosophical but given enough alcohol no one will remember the advice anyway.* Perhaps you will.

* for an aftermath story, visit my blog

Namaste,
Tatiana von Tauber
www.vontauber.com